Getting into the Swing of things

Well, the babies are now 1 month old and it feels like time is moving so quickly.  They are growing and filling out and not looking so fragile now.  They head off to the doctors for a weight check tomorrow and I am excited to see how much they weigh.  Last week they were both champs and had finally surpassed their birth weights enough!  Who said nursing would not be enough for them!!

So much has happened since we began this journey of trying to conceive, and I am still not quite ready to put it all down on paper (or in the computer as it may be).  The story is so filled with emotion and they are emotions that are still too close to look at right now, but....from miscarriages, conception, to surprise it's two, from preterm labor and bed rest, to 36 weeks delivery, from happy healthy babies to River in the NICU to all of us being home now...we are surviving and thriving and making our way.

One day soon I will post about the long journey, but right now I want to speak about where we are-not where we were or how we got here.

We are finally getting into a groove a little bit.  I am lucky to have two pretty relaxed babies.  They are very similar to how they were in my belly.  River is always so chill and is awake a lot more now.  He loves to look all around and is so expressive in his face.  He looks just like Scott and has the biggest hands and feet so I feel he will be really tall.  Wren looks like a little gnome or an elf.  She is very petite and pale and much more active with her body.  She is also very relaxed, but when she wants something, or doesn't she lets you know.  She loves to nurse and I call her my velociraptor because of how voracious she gets when she is hungry!  They love each other and it is so amazing to see their strong connection already.

I for the most part feel like Super Mom!   But I also have a strong tendency to be hard on myself and so I am trying to not be when things don't go the way I thought they would and trying also to relish in the moments that I have with them, instead of projecting forwards.  I am trying not to second guess myself all the time.  I am trying to be really proud of what I am accomplishing and the mother that I am.  I am soaking up my babies and trying to keep things in perspective.  It is really different than when I had Stella.  I was so nervous about everything when I had her and I was also really young and not really ready to give up my freedom.  It was really hard to not sleep, to be in the cold house alone with an infant that I was afraid I was going to mess up.

This time, it is still really hard, but I am able to keep things in perspective a bit more.  I am not so nervous that they are going to randomly stop breathing and I know that it's okay for them to fuss a bit if I have things that I have to do, because I still need to feed the dogs, get Stella fed and ready for school, be a wife and oh yeah have a bite to eat myself!

Sometimes, when one baby is sleeping and I am just doing chores with the one in my arms I think out loud-those people with one baby have it made!!  Two is hard, but also really beautiful.  I go through times of thinking this is way harder than I thought and I am almost nauseous with anxiety to times where it is much easier than I imagined.  Most days I am doing it all by myself and doing a pretty good job I must say.  The house is clean, I have figured out when is the best time to make lunches for tomorrow, get supper ready, tidy up etc and I try to remember to take time to sleep when they are sleeping too.

Everyone said, these twins are going to be my life lesson and they sure are.  I am having to let go of the perfection that I used to have, I am having to slow down and sometimes even just sit for hours because that's what my babies need me to do.  I am needing to rely on others, to ask for help and to even be a little social.  I tend to be a recluse and tend to just do everything myself because it's too hard for me to ask for help from anyone, but they are slowly changing this for the better for me.

When we first came home from the NICU, I did need a couple weeks just to be by myself.  I needed time to sit with my two babies in my comfy farm house and just soak them both in.  I took time to be thankful that we were all together, that they were healthy and we took time to get to know one another. I am finally now having people over a little bit and to be honest I think it is really nice.

The one person who I always have over is my mom.  I am really grateful for the work that we have done this past year with putting up our boundaries, communicating and not letting things fester and giving each other our breathing space to go our own paths even is they end up being the wrong ones!  She has done so much for us.  She set up our whole house and decorated it so beautifully, she took care of the dogs, the farm animals, Stella and everything while we were consumed with the NICU.  She has come over most Wednesday's and most weekends to help me with the babies, the cleaning and giving me another adult to chat with!  I actually really miss her when she is not here.


Well, that's enough for one day.  It is nice to start putting some of these thoughts down.  It's nice to have two free hands to write because I have two sleeping beauties snuggled close to one another.